Act 2 - Bargaining[]
With A Bared Sword[]
Chapter 25[]
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Castle Davion, New Avalon
Crucis March, Federated Commonwealth
1 May 3056
Dear Kathy, she read.
You may not hear from me for some time.
I’m not going to lie and say that I’m okay, but I need some time to think and I don’t think I would have that on Tharkad or wherever Victor decided to send me next.
I know that you heard what happened on Lyon. I was a fool and played into our enemy’s hands. If we hadn’t got lucky, I would have given Free Skye a rallying cry for what they’re doing now. We might have faced the current situation months earlier and before Victor was even halfway prepared.
I’d like to say that I learned my lesson. I’d like to, but that would be a lie. I was angry at Victor for pointing out my mistakes. Angry at him for having the glory I wanted. So angry I never saw how much of a burden he was carrying, of how you and he had to be strong without Mom and Dad there.
I don’t know if you wanted a frontline assignment, a chance to prove yourself like he did. I assumed not, that you were different from me but I’ve been wrong about so much and maybe I was wrong there too. If so you’ve shown more grace than I ever did. If not, maybe you’re just more sensible.
Either way, I think I understand why Victor wouldn’t send us to fight the Clans like he did. It might have been the same for Mom, I’m not sure… but he’s afraid. Not a coward. But losing Dad, and then Mom as well… I saw what he looked like after Lyons and in hindsight he was afraid of losing me too. I don’t think he wants any of us at risk, and I can’t blame him for that.
Please, I know my leaving like this will hurt him. But I’ve sent word and I promise that I will return. He hasn’t lost me and I pray he doesn’t lose you, Arthur or Yvonne. He’s tremendously strong, but I think that might break him somehow.
I’ve just read what I’ve written and I sound like some psych-major preaching about public figures. But it’s what I think.
If I’d thought more, maybe I wouldn’t need to write this now.
I didn’t learn from Lyons. On Solaris I danced like a puppet, used by those around me for their own goals. I don’t feel safe putting it in this letter, what I did was so foolish, could have caused so much trouble that letting anyone else know would be to give our enemies the victory I almost delivered them. Kai knows the truth, I’m sure that he will explain it all to Victor, he can tell you everything as well. I hope that after you know, that you can find it in you to forgive me.
Maybe when you see me again, I will have forgiven myself.
It’s enough to say that Kai saved us all from my foolishness. He put everything on the line and I thank God he didn’t pay the price he might have. I owe him more than I ever can. When I see people drinking to his victories on Solaris in future, I’ll know that they don’t understand a tenth of his worth. Maybe he doesn’t either, I think he’s wasting his potential there but who am I to lecture him?
If I’ve learned anything from these last few days, it’s that I’ve wasted my own life. I was given everything and I’ve spent my life measuring myself against Victor - competing for everyone’s attention, trying to convince them that I was the bigger man, the better prince, the true heir of Hanse Davion.
Well, I think I’ll always be taller, but everything else? No, I was the smallest of us.
I know he’s not perfect, but the fact is that I spent all my time trying to be the second-coming of Dad and not trying to be the best Peter Steiner-Davion. I bear the name of a First Prince, but I would have been better modeling myself on another Peter Davion - the younger brother of Paul Davion II - his best marshal, his strong right hand. I could have been that to Victor, I should have been his rock. And maybe, I hope, I’ve realized that in time that I can still do that.
Before then, I need to look inside myself and answer some hard questions. Find out who I really am, not settle for defining myself over what I’m not. Right now, I’m of no use to the Federated Commonwealth.
I know that you’ll be tempted to look for me, and I’m not so arrogant as to think I can evade the sort of search you could unleash. But I’m begging you, please give me the time and space to find myself.
I love you. I’m more proud of you than I can say. I know that wherever they are waiting for us, parents are as well.
Your brother,
Peter.
The letter blurred in front of Kate’s eyes as tears formed.
What had happened to him on Solaris VII? She knew Ryan Steiner was on the gameworld and she was tempted to blame him, but the fact was that the Steiner-Davions had other enemies than their cousin from Porrima. It could have been any of them.
The princess keyed her comm console, opening a fresh document. She couldn’t leave New Avalon, but she could contact Kai and ask him to send word. Or to have Victor do so via a diplomatic courier - the heir to St Ives wasn’t subject to her command, but if he was the only one with the answers then…
“Damn!” she exclaimed, realizing that diplomatic transit across Skye was unavailable right now. That wouldn’t work, any message sent by Victor might fall into the wrong hands.
A chime alerted her that Alison wanted her attention. “Yes?” she asked via the intercom.
“Your sister is here, your highness. I believe it’s…”
“Important.” She wasn’t the only one to get a letter, Kate guessed. “Yes, send her right in.”
The doors swung open under Yvonne’s hands and she slammed them shut without looking back. “Kate, I had the damnedest letter from Peter!”
“I know.” She pushed back from the desk. “Or… I guessed. I had one as well.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I was writing to Kai.” She spread her hands. “But he’s on the far side of Skye. He can’t come here. He can’t send a courier securely. And… according to Peter, the truth is too sensitive for HPGs.”
“What do you mean?” Yvonne slammed her hands down on Kate’s desk. “Letters, messages… send word to Victor! We can have a thousand people on a hundred worlds looking for him! Peter is alone out there, and he’s not in his right mind! We have to find him.”
Kate looked up at her. “And? Then what?”
“What do you mean?”
“He asked me for time. For space to deal with what’s bothering him.” She shook her head. “If I don’t give him that, do you think do you think he’ll open up to any of us.”
“We’re his family!” Yvonne exclaimed.
The elder of the sisters nodded. “And he knows how to reach out to us. When he’s ready… he will.”
“I can’t believe you’re letting go of him!”
A sad laugh came out of Kate’s lips. “I know how you feel.”
“If you did, you wouldn’t leave it like this!” Yvonne stepped back, anger dripping from her voice. “Would you care this little if Arthur was missing… if I was?”
“No. I would care this much.”
Yvonne swallowed, looked at her. There were tears on her face and Kate felt her own. “What use is it being viceroy? Being a princess?! If this is all we can do?” she cried out.
Kate went around the desk and held onto her sister. The youngest Steiner-Davion clung to her, as if Kate too might be the next to be swept out of her life.
Damn it, Victor, you’d better come here this year, the viceroy demanded silently. Your people need you… and so do we.